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Homo_Goblin
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#1 | Четверг, 15.01.2015, 02:49
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Автор темы
Повелитель буйных
Постоянные пациенты
Юзер-бар +
Что могут психи? Например, написать в Союз Кинематографистов РФ послание следующего содержания, и только. Были бы деньги да кабы, можно было бы поспорить, что не ответят. А так, раз денег нет, то и спорить не о чем, и так все ясно.
<<<Доброго всем здоровьичка (здоровьячка? здоровьечка?)!
Короче, здравствуйте!
Насмеялся до слез. Одно канадское издание типо опубликовало мое типо произведение. И пишет: "Дорогой Автор! Ваше произведение вышло в печатном виде. Вы можете приобрести его со скидкой по старому курсу рубля к доллару!"
Рассказал нашим... А что ж ты хотел, если директор издания по совместителю настоятель Православной Церкви по фамилии Боря Кригер. Он тебе и отпущение грехов, если нужно, организует со скидкой по курсу австралийского доллара к иранскому риалу.
Чисто от безысходности начал писать по-английски. Друг Таламан спрашивает: "Зачем же ты пишешь на языке подлинника? Кто его прочтет?" Ну, и что, что никто не прочтет. У меня есть знакомая в Хайфе, закинул удочку насчет того, сколько будет стоить перевести все это на иврит.
Еще б "Татарстан-Кино" найти какое-нибудь и забабахать полноценный кинопроект с характерными чукотскими персонажами, изъясняющимися исключительно на иврите. Та американцы обделаются все это назад на английский переводить.
Усем всех благ.
Олег
Good day, everybody.
I'm searching for...
For what am I searching? First, I think that I should search for Stephen Spielberg. But he's not a man whom I need. 'cause everybody knows who is Stephen Spielberg, but nobody has an idea who I am. So, it would be preferably to find a sort of student to share this exciting feeling of being unknown.
The matter is in fact that
Oleg Cheskidov (Dnipropetrovs'k, Ukraine, it's me)
<HOLLYWOOD!
It produces billion tons of SS a year with budget of billion dollars. Why whould it not make even once a year a movie which is really worth to be seen? It seems the Hollywood is a place where there is a lot of money... Till Monday I should have a productive idea on how to get money I need.>
Liza Brown (Temple, Texas)
<I hear you. Money makes the world go round. And, yes, Hollywood makes a lot of money. I thought of writing a screenplay and breaking into Hollywood, since I love movies so much. But, like all writing careers, it takes a whole bunch of effort not related to the actual writing. It's not what you know, it's who you know there. I'm much better off enjoying movies from afar.>
"It's not what you know, it's who you know there."
Golden words, they shall be motto on my shield.
Lirnaust (Russia)
<Temple is as far away from Hollywood as from Bollywood>
O. K.
How much characters can be inserted in this message?
Hi, dear Liza Brown (classy name, much better than Oleg Cheskidov (it's me)).
Salute in Your Honor from the main caliber and triple 'Hurrah!' after Your steps (it's a slang of Russian Navy - when an Admiral is so decisive as to visit a ship it's funny to fire a salute from the main caliber (of gun, of course)).
Thus, I'm so moody-moody, sullen and gloomy. But there is You in this world, and there is nothing wrong about this fact. I've read in Your profile that You are mad and nuts about Sci-Fi. So mine. In order to tune the proper wave I'd like to share a couple of the loolzes (I really don't know what it might mean, but sounds pretty-pretty) with You. I was so inventive as to compose them.
"There is sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Schizophrenia, indeed, is an INTELLECTUALLY transmitted disease (ITD), but if BFTs are properly applied the difference between STDs and ITDs becomes negligible. BFT stands for Brain Fucking Technique".
I'd sent this Opus Dei to Neuromed (Australia), an institution being involved in research of schizophrenia and other paranormal manifestations of cranked-shaft-minded personality. With a hint: It's not worthy to "catch the black cat in the dark room, especially, when she is not there" (Chinese proverb). In other words, there is no insanity gene (or even genome), but "the goal of every scientific research is to eat the old Grant and to obtain a new one". It's sad, but true. This Neuromed I'd found due to one cheerful occasion. I'd typed in into the Internet Searching Machine words "The best specialist in schizophrenia in the USA" and got a reply "Cindy Weickert". I'd repeated query with "Cindy Weickert" this time, I found out that she is in Australia, first, there are at least two Weickerts, second. The second Weickert is Tom from the same Neuromed as Cindy. But, judging by his bio he'd studied in the USA too. Being moody-moody, in order to cheer up, I didn't restrain myself and wrote to him: "To say the truth, 'the best specialist in schizophrenia in the USA' was found in Australia, not the USA, but schizophrenia is not a humble-bumble, one being involved into researching it should comply with the subject of research".
There is a nice fellow named Viktor Samokhvalov. He worked twenty years in psychiatric hospital in Crimea, then became a professor of psychology, the chairman of Crimean Association of Psychiatrists and Psychologists. Then wrote (as one of the authors) the manual on psychiatry for higher schools (everyone calls it the Samokhvalov's textbook). Then left for Czechia and started a private practice there. I'd found his email and wrote a couple of letters. I got a many amusing moments. Especially, I like his tirade (translated from Russian): "As for such functional diagnoses such as schizophrenia, it is often a way of describing certain deviations from the standard of thinking. I don't know who diagnosed you (it's about me) as schizophrenic." Hence, (my loolze, translated from Russian): "As for the standards of thinking, such as common sense, it is often a way of describing certain deviations from the schizophrenia (being the only politically correct and ideologically right standard of thinking)".
I'm 44 old. Long time ago I failed to get a degree from the department of applied mathematics (specialty: "Dynamics and Strength of Machines") of Dnipropetrovs'k State University. My level of education is a Soviet high (secondary) school. As Ostap Bender (literature satiric character, very popular, even there is a Monument to Ostap Bender in Rio-de-Janeiro (Brazil, in the novel by Ilf and Petrov he dreamed to visit this city, where everyone is in white trousers) said: "I failed to be a good millionaire, so I shall to re-qualify to be a bad house manager". So mine. In such cranky way I became a translator. They often asked me, if I'm technical translator or literary one. I'm bureaucratic translator (Chamber of Commerce and Industry, exports-imports, customs affairs, sometimes documents for various embassies, including the U.S. Embassy). Now, I decided to try myself in Sci-Fi. I found a good Sci-Fi reader neither in Russia, nor in Ukraine. So, I'm before You. Don't sign a shooting sentence to my side. Take into account that I never studied in U.S. high school. It's my present to You to cheer You up. You can do with this 'present' all that You want. If you don't mind, I will publish it in PatientsLikeMe. The bad repute suits me.
Thus,... Let's start.
Some Science Fiction
A Sound, Sound, Sound, Sound Minded Psychiatrist in this Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
(Based on real history wrote by the Life)
*** Preamble ***
In runet (Russian Internet) there is a forum "Schizophrenia and I (the Treatment of Schizophrenia with the Art)" (www.schizonet.ru). As its founders dreamed it should be a platform of communication between patients, their relatives and everyone who is not indifferent to the problem.
This forum has its activists. Among them, one madam (let it be called F.). When a patient visits this forum to render his problem to the community, to ask for advice (maybe somebody encountered a situation in the life, it would be preferably to listen to advice of an experienced man or woman), this very F. sends him/her to the nearest psychiatrist (it's sweet word 'specialist', it can make mad any woman). As one guy nicknamed Karabas took notice: "Soon, our forum will be a subsidiary of the Kaschenko, a popular Moscow Yellow House [Russian euphemism for Madhouse]. He, or she, visited our forum to ask how to find a way to the library at 3:00 a.m., but is referred to the hospital. Being His Tsar's Will, and you - nutcases - having received all rights, the Kaschenko's plan of treatment would be overfulfilled by tens times". Yeah. It'll be worthy to recommend to bring along results of examinations (ECG, encephalogram, MRT of the brain, by the same token, in Moscow such MRT costs a Boeing's wing as one activist of the forum said once).
As the forum is 'a Treatment with the Art' guys had shot a movie 'A Little Bit of Schizophrenia'. Gloomy and sad as my grandma once upon a time said. Sir Terminus - forum's administrator - called it 'well-balanced' (neither mania, nor depression, monotonous video imagery plus mournful relaxing music). I would call it 'psychodelic' if have known what this word really means. Once upon a time, a man appeared at the forum. "Guys, I do not suffer from mental disease, I'm a doctor. I'm over 50 old. The course of my life ran in such manner, that I'm alone, no family, no children, very very little friends. I saw your movie 'A Little Bit of Schizophrenia' and became thoughtful. There is something wrong about it, and I am sad".
Madam F. responded with a speed of strategic missile at the end part of its trajectory: "To a psychiatrist and immediately. Can be socially dangerous. A doctor! If surgeon, he's on the verge of surgeoning somebody to death".
But...
Long, long, long time ago, in a far, far, far away Internet F. decided to share her own experience with psychiatrists to the community.
'Why. He (the psychiatrist) even wouldn't want to listen all that I wished to say him about an exciting episode of my life! And when I started to narrate about my disturbances and concerns he referred me to a gynecologist!'.
'Baby, I don't understand what you are expecting of when sending forum's visitors to a psychiatrist. Maybe you think that next to them there are Especial Purpose Psychiatrists, trained at the Secret Lunar Base, rather than in a system of higher medical education. In this very unsophisticated manner - not listening to things you are trying to say, if they are not needed in a case history, and referring to gynecologist to resolve a problem of hormonal imbalance, for instance, rather than to be an X-ray projector and to read your hormonal status without any analysis - they render aid to us, nutcases.'
It's all so, but...
*** Chapter One and Only ***
Imagine a man in white doctor's smock at the PND [stands for Psychiatric and Neurological Dispensary], never being at the fronts of the schizophrenia struggle, that is, psy-hospitals.
One pretty rainy morning, this door of his reception room was knock-knocked by a Princess with Velvet Claws, as Old Erle Stanley Gardner would say. Being not aware of more than 'Memento Mori' [Latin, Remember of the Death], and feeling sound-mindedly himself being a psychiatrist rather than romantic Perry Mason, our man in white doctor's smock wouldn't find nothing better than to say: 'Who's it? Come in and on - the door is opened'. While pulling, rather than pushing, our Princess made an undesirable pause giving an opportunity to a thought to hit a brain of the man in white doctor's smock as lightning: 'What the hell is going on? More than that annoying rain drumming in the window, a serial maniac visits me to test a strength of my ferroconcrete nervous system'.
After the shifting from pulling to pushing efforts the door half-opened and let in The Creature. Seeing the front of Aphrodite, our man recalled that he's A Man, and felt as a lump of courtesy suddenly came to his throat and started to move his tongue in correct direction.
'Oh! Please, take your coat off. There is a rack right behind you'.
This coat rack suddenly happened to be in a right place. As for her back view it was Venus. Although, historians make no difference between Aphrodite and Venus, attributing it to the fact that ancient Greeks would not likely to call their gods and goddesses with Roman names because of Rome's being not existing in the 5th century B. C., and Romans would not likely to plagiary Grecian names barefacedly, they did it creatively [euphemism for shamelessly] calling their Grecian gods and goddess in Latin manner.
'Sit down, please', and a severe air of a Real Specialist appeared on his manly freckled face. The thunder of the thoughts and the multitude of ideas became to furrow his specialist's head. They were 'psychosis-like osteochondrosis', 'deforming ambitendency of tuberosity of tibia', 'obstruction and occlusion of cerebral cavity', 'subcutaneous fracture and refraction of the mind' [stop, it's a physics, and he's physician, not physicist]; in general, all these that was studied at the medical higher school, initially when being trained as 'general practitioner', and thereafter being specialized as 'psychiatrist' [it's a system of medical training in the former USSR]. In this very manner, he remembered intermitting it with recollections of kissing girlfriends, preference [card game, being likewise popular as Bridge in English speaking countries] playing students' fellowship, murmuring professors and lecturers and so on, et cetera. Suddenly, he remembered a thing that he never knew. According to the common psychology A Man is peculiar to be exercise in eloquence in view of A Woman. As it is taught by the folk psychology 'A Man loves with eyes, and a woman loves with ears'. Suddenly, having recalled that he is 26, unmarried, no children, he became imbued with this folk wisdom. As it was noticed above he was not romantic Perry Mason, famous advocate in criminal cases, even not Paul Drake, famous private detective and a friend of the famous advocate in criminal cases, that would not be said about her, for Gardner 88 novels long gave no a faint hint of how Della Street was looking like, then Gardner suddenly died because of the old age, for no reason failed to give an opportunity to Perry to make a matrimonial proposition to Della. It's not a case! So, our man in white resolved to act decisively and persistently in contrast to this famous court's elocutor Perry.
'You can see, dear miss, that so called ambivalent disorder of the thinking pertaining to a light neurosis like conditions of the mind, are nothing to be concerned about in view of the opportunity to handle the polymorphic transformations of the ... h-m ... as it can be see from the recent achievement of the science of ... h-m... and our institution is always ready to render the utmost aid to ...h-m...'
'Stop, please, doctor. I have not yet given account of my problem. But your sympathy and an ability to ...h-m... console are highly appreciated (maybe, I don't know exactly)'.
'You have taken a wrong turn', flashed an idea in his mind.
'Of course, I beg your pardon, miss, I'm a whole attention'.
'You can see, doctor, that I'm sleepwalker. But I still can dream while walking in the sleep. And these dreams are so realistic that sometimes it seems to me that I was not sleeping at all...'
[This is beginning of real story narrated at the forum by consultant, also PND's psychiatrist.]
'You can see, I had a patient. He was an artist. Creative nature, and so on. Once he asked me what is happening with him. I began to explain that it is so called polymorphous disorder featuring a certain peculiarities of the reality perception, and so on and bla-bla-bla. - Schizophrenia? - Well, in general, in other words, that is to say... Yeah. Schizophrenia. - I knew it!'
[This is end of real story narrated at the forum by consultant, also PND's psychiatrist. When he narrated this story I read it in my own way. 'Doctor, Am I Genius? - Well, in general, in other words, that is to say... Yeah. - I knew it!' Artist, creative nature. In artistic circles it is a good form to be a little bit mad as a March hare. The book by Salvador Dali is titled 'The Diary of a Genius'. Our men in Hollywood! Modestly and with artistic taste. Vincent van Gogh is also somewhere near. Next of kin.]
Staring in her bonnie blue eyes being ready to be filled with tears he thought: 'You have taken a wrong turn'.
In order to find a way out of situation he began:
'I also had recently very realistic dream. It dreamt to me that I was returning late at night being somewhat screwed-minded. And Men in Black captured me and pushed into a car. Then they injected me something intravenously. I fell asleep. - Darling, can You imagine? - I fell asleep in the dream! When I awoke I found myself at a sort of Lunar Base being on the other side of the Moon. They said to me that from this moment on I should listen to everything that patient are trying to narrate in three ears, two ears of mine and one spare ear. They gave me that spare ear. Also, they said, from this moment on You would have a Third Eye. - Which Third Eye do you keep in mind. The 'Third Eye' which some madmen (and some Indian yogis) imagine to have in the forehead, of which, we, third year students, were given an account by our one-eyed professor? - No. It is real Third Eye, which will be integrated in the forehead part of your brainpan. It is X-ray generating, turboset supported Third Eye, in order not to refer to gynecologist a patient who is trying to narrate about her disturbances and concerns; you will see everything without gynecologist's aid. For this purpose, we will give you especially trained cerebrum tuned to the needs of your patients. But, first of all, we will give you a spare ear to be able to listen to the patients you would receive in your PND'.
'Imaging, pretty one, that it was so realistic that in the morning I found an artificial ear on the bedside table. And, of course, I am sound minded son of the bitch, as You can see. So, don't worry, as there is no to worry about at all!'.
'I don't worry. I brought along an earphone which will fit your artificial ear. It's nice! And also, I should say in confidence that I am Commander-in-Chief of this Lunar Base, and I'm searching for an OMP [oxygen manufacturing plant], as I should replenish the stocks of oxygen for other visitors. But, by the way, what about my diagnosis, what would it be?'.
'Let it be BAD, Bipolar Affective Disorder, for Your are affecting me to the roots and tops of my heart, and I'll be disordered if you have refused to be my wife.'
'What about Bipolar?'
'H-m... You will know it after our marriage ceremony is over'
*** Conclusion and Orgvyvody ***
['Orgvyvody', in Russian, a sort of managerial procedure the main goal of which is punishment of guiltless heroes and awarding of characters being not privy to a cause].
The rain was tired to drum on the roofs. And there was no rain at all. He hurried to the nearest ZAGS [in Russian, civil registration office, the authority having power to perform marriage ceremonies and to register marriages]. His Third Eye cannot see his way up hill and down dale, and an earphone filled his especially trained cerebrum though his spare artificial ear with the following fiddle-de-dee:
You and I are Bipolar,
One pole being the North,
And other one being the South;
Matrimonial horse collar
Repolarized by wedding Mickey Mouse.
The rings of the same ring fingers,
Such similar and such different,
For belonging to other spouse
I will be Your rescue crew, Athena,
You will be my pretty Mickey Mouse.
One planet has two poles,
It is bipolar as well,
It's no matter - two poles, two souls,
United by calling for wedding church bell...
That's all folks!>>>
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